Emotional Parenting or Parenting Emotions? Coping with our own feelings and helping children with theirs

Maya’s parents had promised to get her an ice cream during their afternoon walk, to cheer her up. Which they did, but that delicious scoop of strawberry ice cream fell out of the cone right after they left the shop, landing on the pavement with a splat!

That was the last straw for Maya. Full of anger, she threw the empty cone on the ground, stamping on it and screaming. Tears the size of pebbles rolled down her cheeks and there was no way of stopping them. Even though people were staring at her and her parents were offering to buy her another ice cream, Maya didn’t stop. She was so cross, so very very cross. In fact, she was angry at the whole world.

“Fancy making such a horrid fuss!” a woman in the queue commented, shaking her head in disapproval.

“It was only an ice cream, for pity’s sake,” snorted a man behind her.

(from our story Maya Goes Into a Rage)

The people in the ice cream queue won't have been the first or the last to make comments like this. Often, we grown-ups are a bit afraid of emotions because we don't know how to respond to them. Perhaps that is why our first reaction is to calm the crying, to suppress the anger, in short, to get the situation “back to normal". 

How we deal with emotions depends a lot on what we learned as children. When we were young, we observed which emotions our parents welcomed and which ones they preferred us to hide or ideally not feel at all. Our parents in turn learned this from their parents... and so on. We don’t need to pin any blame on anyone - there is no “culprit” here. What we can do, however, is to change our approach to emotions and hence pass on a new, healthier perspective to our children.

As parents, we have the power to influence our children. And they have a superpower too: they can reveal things that we haven't quite processed deep down. That's what’s happening when their displays of emotion upset or even irritate us – they are reminding us of past hurts and repressed sorrows. The important things to realise are that they are not doing this on purpose and that it can actually help us massively.

Where can you start if you want to take a healthier approach to emotions? How can you work with them effectively and teach your children to do the same?

Here’s how:

• Accept them. This can be pretty hard because often you would much rather not feel the emotion. But the more you suppress your emotions and bottle them up inside rather than expressing them, the more exhausting it becomes, and the more you add to the emotional pressure inside you. Emotions are neither good nor bad, and by simply accepting them and not fighting them, you can keep them from having more negative effects.
• Explore them. Often you probably don't even think about what emotion you’re experiencing. You just know something isn’t quite right... In these moments, try to focus on what your body is telling you. Does your stomach hurt? Are your hands sweaty? Are you cold? If you stop for a moment and think about this, you’ll become more aware of what you’re feeling, and that’s often all it takes for any physical discomfort you’ve noticed to go away.
• Do not let them consume you. Accepting emotions is important, but wallowing in them is not. Emotions occur to alert you to things that are happening in your environment, and then they go away again when they’ve done their alerting job. Your mind may well tend to recall them over and over again and replay them, but that can just end up prolonging feelings that aren’t serving any useful purpose any more.
• Demonstrate. You need to express your emotions, otherwise uncomfortable feelings and the pressure they bring will build up inside you. However, there are good and less good ways of expressing emotions. Socially acceptable expressions include running, ripping up paper, or punching a punch bag...or crying! Some people find that tidying up or cleaning can be a good way of letting off steam, others prefer to sing or make art.

• Don't judge. Try not to make judgements about yourself or anyone else based on their emotions. Emotions are a part of us; we all get scared sometimes or feel angry or happy. It’s not within our control, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. What we can influence, however, is how we express, accept and respond to our emotions.
• Find out why they came. Try to treat your emotions as valuable information. Explore why they came up in the first place, what they want to tell you, and what it is that you need. Ask yourself what will help you. Your train of thought might go like this: “I am afraid because I don't feel safe. What will make me feel safer? Would a talisman help? A soothing cup of tea? Eye contact from a colleague when I give my presentation?”
• Passing on the experience. Show your children what you do when you feel an emotion. Help them to find their own way of dealing with the emotions they have. Don't judge, ridicule or belittle. You are the safe harbour where they learn how to navigate the stormy sea of emotions. That’s a pretty hard task, and takes a lot of patience and training. But together, you can get through it one step at a time.

GIFT FOR YOU: Click here to download a pdf of the poster on emotions.

And if you’re wondering how Maya’s dad managed to respond to her angry outburst in our story, here’s how: 

Maya’s dad listened to her frustrations but did not say anything. Just when Maya was sure she would never-ever cheer up again, he knelt down next to her. “Look over there,” he said, pointing to the small playground across the road — it wasn’t actually a proper playground — there was only one plastic swing and a little sandpit in one corner of the green space next to the main road. No one was playing there — Maya had no idea why her dad was suggesting it. Did he think she was in the mood for playing in a stupid tiny playground?

Her dad was confident, though. “Let’s go and see,” he said. “I bet we can have some fun there!” The swing made an awful creaking noise, and there was only one old, cracked bucket in the sandpit and no sign of a spade.

Maya cried even harder and kicked the pile of sand, making the grains fly everywhere.

The sand instantly collapsed, and sand flew in all directions. Just then, Maya felt her fiery anger cooling-off a tiny bit.

“Maya, releasing your anger is okay. Just be careful not to hurt anyone or knock over the sandcastles the other kids made. How about using a shovel to dig a proper hole?” dad said.

Maya grabbed the shovel angrily and stuck it into the sand. She dug out a clump of sand, then another, and another. Was it just her imagination, or was she feeling a bit better? The hot lava inside her, like a volcano, seemed to cool down little by little.

By the time Maya had dug a hole up to her elbows, her anger was almost completely gone. The volcano had erupted, and a soft breeze cooled the last bits of heat. She sat down in the sand, feeling tired, and looked around.

Her dad sat down next to her and rubbed her back. “I know what it’s like when you get cross. It really rattles you, doesn’t it?”